back to notes

A way to grow a team

We affirm people so that they can feel good about themselves; (separation from self -> affirmation and self-esteem -> psychological safety)

they are then able to feel good enough about each other to be able to build community; (separation from others -> community-building -> psychological gathering after separation -> cooperation)

the community then provides a safe place to hone the communication skills which can replace violence as a way of coping with the environment; (physical activity and fun -> communication skills -> light-and-livelies -> increase closeness -> raise energy levels)

then, using communication skills, the group can go on to learn more sophisticated conflict resolution techniques. (conflict resolution -> closure)

The mortar that bonds to all of these and holds them together is Transforming Power.

One Step at a Time

Human nature seems to require that the nurturing of a fulfilling and nonviolent lifestyle follow a certain logical sequence in order to succeed:

• ln order to care for others, people must first learn to care for themselves. They need to build self-esteem and self-respect. To do this, they need affirmation, positive feedback, and a safe environment. Crafting an agenda involves, from the beginning and throughout the workshop, ensuring that these needs are adequately met. (Thus, for instance, the ground rule against putdowns of self or others, and the mandatory positive adjective in the adjective name game.)

• In order to relate to others, people must learn to communicate. Communication can be very primitive; Sigmund Freud once said that "the first person to hurl an insult instead of a stone was the founder of civilization."

• Nonviolence is more demanding. It requires that people learn to communicate honestly, clearly, and non-threateningly, enabling others to drop their defenses and really hear what is being said. Just as important, communication requires active listening, the giving of full attention to another so that he or she may feel heard. (To be truly heard is one of the rarest and one of the most affirming and healing of human experiences.) People who have learned both to talk and to listen to one another begin to feel safe enough to risk sharing.

• No group of people is perfect, and no collection of individuals sees eye to eye on everything; but once communication and sharing are possible, they can nevertheless begin to build and experience community. A community is a group of people who, in spite of differences, trust each other enough to know that, as Rodney King said in Los Angeles, "we can work it out." Knowing that, they feel safe enough to try to work it out, and nonviolent living becomes possible. If a workshop goes well, a sense of community will begin to build on the first day, and that sense will sustain the group in undertaking the later exercises that call for greater psychological risks.

• But this is still earth and not heaven, and conflicts will still arise. To deal with them, we need to teach practical conflict management skills. There are a number of exercises and techniques for this, ranging from "I" messages to role-plays.

• Not only is this still earth, but it can be a cold, cruel world out there, and the warmth and the learning of a workshop may shrivel in the chill. The last session an agenda should do everything possible so that the workshop experience is reinforced for the participants by affirmations from each other and from the facilitators and by a reassurance of a future ("where do we go from here?").

These steps will, if followed, set in motion a positive dynamic which will then work by itself to produce a learning and healing experience drawn from and belonging to the participants themselves.

The glue that holds it all together is the concept of Transforming Power, a power that can avert violence or transform it into a win/win situation; that can be channeled through any human being who is open to it and reach any human being whose innate desire for good can be engaged. This idea may sound far-fetched and untrustworthy at first, but almost any group of human beings will confirm it to their own satisfaction if asked to share an incident in which they have experienced it. Seldom do we encounter anyone who has never known it, and the more violent and dangerous a person’s life, the more likely he or she is to have experienced near-miraculous instances of it. Transforming Power occupies only a small part of the actual agenda an explanation and a sharing of people’s experiences but after that, it is present for everyone throughout the workshop and can be called to people’s minds whenever it seems appropriate.